So the First Presidential Debate Happened
And it was very informative!
So there’s a viral clip of this man-on-the-street interview involving some guy asking an attractive woman how to best keep a man, and she answers bluntly by blurting, “You gotta give ‘em that HAWK TUAH and spit on that thang!” It’s pretty crazy because women apparently enjoy sex, which is news to me even in 2024 because no woman that I, or any of my friends, have slept with has ever told us that they enjoy the experience of getting jackhammered from behind for roughly 90 seconds. According to reputable sources in the manosphere, the female orgasm is a myth perpetuated by radical third-wave feminists to trick men into eating pussy. I’m just picturing the hawk tuah girl waking up the day after that interview hungover and seeing herself all over TikTok—and it would be especially funny if she didn’t remember saying any of this. Clearly, there is nothing else to meme on these days, as this would’ve been a B-tier Vine 10 years ago. It is now a coworker joke. Hawk tuah was also a Missy Elliot lyric from decades ago, but like high socks, everything that Gen Z claims to be Their Thing is something appropriated from somewhere else that they just saw on TikTok and assume they came up with it because their frontal lobes have been replaced with a looping video of the floss dance. We are doomed, but I suppose a mass cult over this is better than MAGA.
Anyway, despite or against my better political and aesthetic judgement, I caved into the gaudy-giddy media hype surrounding the presidential debate. It would’ve been neat if Biden said Trump is “not like us,” but we were instead treated to the misfortune of watching two malfunctioning geriatrics monologuing through the most “nuh-uh” debate of all-time. The commercial breaks weren’t even sponsored by the entities that actually run this country: Pfizer, BlackRock, Lockheed Martin, etc.
The DNC must’ve pushed this spectacle knowing that Joe Biden would have a horrifying performance, just so they could rip the Band-Aid off early, hoping people would forget by November—given that in every sporadic public appearance he makes, he looks like he has a different face. Our sitting president made faint, gurgling, squelching noises whenever he opened his mouth, sounding like he just chain-smoked a carton of high-tar cigs. He spoke in a mush of garbled boiled consonants, and at the end of his sentences, the words all dribbled out like a lobotomy patient drooling apple sauce. Hunter should’ve shared some of his crack with his dad beforehand, because, at one point, Biden ended a statement by emphatically declaring, “We beat Medicare!” When he wasn’t trailing off into broken feeble non-sequiturs like a toddler trying to tell a story, Biden had some solid talking points, but they were delivered with such little confidence and coherence that they somehow sounded worse than Trump’s rambling nonsense. If Sleepy Joe can’t contrast himself on fucking abortion against Trump, then he is absolutely, utterly, supremely cooked.
BIDEN: “Look, the fact is, we can’t… we don’t… look. Here’s the deal. Malarkey.”
TRUMP: “There are billions and billions of Guatemalans raping the Lincoln Memorial right now.”
MODERATORS: “Thank you.”
Neither answered any question properly, as if this was Adderall vs. Xanax personified as a debate. Trump’s bizarre, blustering approach was not so much tactical as it was instinctual. His decision to bloviate and lie and pick weird fights all night long led to some deranged tangents about Afghanistan, how he built the greatest economy ever in the history of America, something about undocumented criminals living in the penthouses of luxury hotels on Uncle Sam’s dime, and how babies are summarily executed in maternity wards after they’re born. He sounds alive, even if he refuses to operate within a mutually shared reality. Biden is a 15-year-old MacBook that you just spilled water on, his 50-yard stare/resting bewildered face makes him look like his internal monologue is a Sunn O))) song, like he’s a drooling, short-circuiting mummy who is actively dying on stage. He loves to number his points but rarely goes past point number two because his brain starts melting. Biden would’ve been better off preparing by napping for a week instead of studying.
This debate was harrowing and depressing in equal measure. The moderators should’ve asked for their opinions on BRAT and that would’ve been a better expenditure of those 90 minutes. It’s also easy to forget this fact given the pending onslaught of hot takes in response to Biden’s meandering slackjawed debate performance, but Trump is also diminished and degenerating. He is too mentally incontinent to deliver the kind of knockout punch that would’ve given him a decisive victory.
But at least last night produced some choice quotes:
“I didn’t understand that last thing he said... I don’t even think he knows what he said.”
“Biden is like a Palestinian, but the type they don’t like—a weak Palestinian.”
“We’re providing Israel with all the weapons they need, whenever they need them.”
“Biden Migrant Crime.”
“Brandon.”
“He doesn’t like the military at all.”
“I didn’t have sex with a porn star.”
“You’ve got the morals of an alley cat.”
Then there was this strange farcical exchange because apparently this election is getting decided at Top Golf:
TRUMP: “I’m in very good health. I won two regular club championships, not even senior, you have to be quite smart and hit the ball a long way and I do it. He doesn't do it. He can’t hit a ball 50 yards. He challenged me to a golf match, he can’t hit a ball 50 yards. I think I’m in very good shape. I feel in as good as a shape as 25, 30 years ago, maybe a little lighter.”
BIDEN: “I’d be happy to have a driving contest with him. I got my handicap when I was Vice President down to a six. By the way, I told you before, I’m happy to play golf if you carry your own bag.”
TRUMP: “That’s the biggest lie, the six handicap. I’ve seen your swing, I know your swing.”
After several months of hurling accusations of ageism and ablism at anyone who questioned whether Biden’s frequent senior citizen brainfarts was a sign of broader senescence, these same Democrat apparatchiks and media barnacles are publishing the same column over and over again. They’re describing his debate performance as “disastrous,” that “he sounded like a dying humidifier,” and that he is a good and decent man who should preserve his legacy by stepping aside and dropping out of the race. These journos and operatives, with all their grave concerns, aren’t publishing all these pieces because they have interesting and different perspectives that need to be heard or because they have interesting and different prose styles; they’re trying to simulate unanimity while playing damage control. Fuck them all.
America’s democratic process has been reduced to a Geriatric Contest, two leathery corpses competing over who has more of his brain still functioning. Odds are high that at least one of them was drooling during commercial breaks or wearing some kind of adult incontinence diaper. Like in 2020, Joe Biden is the only true avatar of our amnesiac age, a sundowning man at the helm of a delusional empire in its twilight. The Democrats are absolutely soulless, clueless, and pathetic, and the Republicans are openly fascist. One of these men should not be president, the other cannot be president. Can’t wait to get out and vote for the only reanimated corpse that isn’t going to turn us into the Trumpist Dictatorship of the United States.
On a lighter note, about two-thirds into the debate, it was an easy choice to tune out, so I binged half of the new season of The Bear. I have to say, if there was a neighborhood spot where I could grab a reasonably priced sandwich and that was replaced with an unnecessarily boujee Michelin-wannabe restaurant, I would unequivocally want that place to burn to the ground.
Now that you got the weirdly funny but ultimately sad stuff out of the way, let me be serious for a minute. This debate was the Dems chance to admit what they couldn't and seize the moment to replace Biden for their party. The "all at once" orchestration of media and political voices is just too obvious. So who will the DNC put in next? My best guess is CA Gov Gavin Newsome, and whatdaya know he had about 1000 microphones in his face last night pre-debate. Please if there is a God, people do not let this guy be President. He is an empty headed disaster on two legs.
Watch the replay of www.therealdebate.com RFKJr. and witness a man who has what it takes to run our country. Yes, his voice is hard to listen to. I would argue what you heard Biden and Trump say is a hell of a lot more painful.
Way to both sides it, fascist!