POV: You're Buying Something in 2024
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“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut—end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can’t imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut.”
— Mitch Hedberg
CUSTOMER: “One smashburger please!”
CASHIER: “Excellent! That’ll be $48. Would you also like to subscribe and become a member of Hella Lit Burgers exclusive membership program? You can earn burger points with every purchase, save 5% on every burger, and get access to new merch drops and burgers like the double smashed double cheese double pickle double jalapeño double vegan bacon tavern-style impossible burger with a side of Hella Lit’s special burger sauce.”
CUSTOMER: “No thanks. I’m good. I’d just like to buy this smashburger and bounce.”
CASHIER: “Okay! Have you downloaded the Hella Lit Burgers app to your smartphone?”
CUSTOMER: “No… Why would I need an app to buy burgers?”
CASHIER: “It’s not just about buying burgers. We’re delivering a holistic customer journey and 360° brand experience. If you download the official Hella Lit Burgers app, we will send you notifications to help you stay up-to-date on TikTok burger trends like the Big Mac Taco, play burger games, and connect with burgerheads in your community. Without the app, your customer experience is only limited to just eating a burger.”
CUSTOMER: “Listen, I just want to buy a smashburger…”
CASHIER: “Would you like to make a donation to give children in Trinidad and Tobago access to refurbished iPads?”
CUSTOMER: “That’s a thing? Aren’t there other human needs that need to be… Fuck it. No, I’m good.”
CASHIER: “And would you like to add a tip today?”
*flips iPad over to the customer with options of 20%, 22%, and 25%*
CUSTOMER: “Are the profits you earn from flipping and serving burgers not enough to pay your employees a living wage?”
CASHIER: “We don’t make money off serving burgers, sir.”
CUSTOMER: “What do you make money off of?”
CASHIER: “Our profit centers lie at customers forgetting about their membership subscriptions to the Hella Lit Burger app, tax deductions from our customers giving generous donations, advertising from the Hella Lit Burger app, and—of course—tips.”
CUSTOMER: “That sounds like a sketchy and unsustainable business model.”
CASHIER: “How could that be? I’m an entrepreneur, a founder, and a multi-millionaire who has built and sold several successful businesses.”
CUSTOMER: “And have all your businesses relied on a similar model?”
CASHIER: “Well, yeah.”
CUSTOMER: “How did you become a multi-millionaire?”
CASHIER: “I was able to raise a modest $1.5 million from my trust fund to give me enough runway to establish John’s Cereal Food Trucks across Bushwick, then after I sold that business, I created BRWNE, then sold that and used the cash windfall to launch Hella Lit Burgers. I also sit on the board of my father’s oil and gas company and inherited a few luxury apartment buildings.”
CUSTOMER: “.….”
CASHIER: “Before you leave, on a scale of 1-5 burgers, how satisfied are you with your burger purchase experience?”
We can't afford to shop anywhere that has a philosophy - Marge Simpson
Mustard loves how accurate this is.