We Don't Need Any More iPhone Updates
It's all a ploy to get us to buy the iPhone 23.5, or whatever they're on.
I have variously disordered relationships with concepts like “lunch,” and it’s not because I will panic-order Taco Bell if I can’t decide what to eat, but because time spent staring at the office kitchen table tends to shed some light on the inextricable “deep sigh” aspects on living with minor inconveniences. I devote my free time to thinking about my once-feared Patriots floundering toward a top draft pick or terrifying tales of encountering a Tim Ryan for President bumper sticker in Vegas or someone comparing Sam Bankman-Fried to “a young Joe Pesci.” None of this is reasonable, but it is not any more unnecessary than these constant iOS updates. Apple can stop with these.
In a broad and bracing way, they consist of marginal changes, feeling like you’re visiting your parent’s place for the first time in a while and they replaced all the furniture in their living room—everything looks slightly different, but I don’t know if it’s any better. It doesn’t scan as a blessing to have this abundant feast of digression and low-consequence tinkering arrayed before us. Our iPhones will display a list of what is actually improving: In the new iOS 17, the “End Call” button has been moved 2 cm down. And in its own grandiosity and the broader grandiosity of its grandiosity, Apple has the audacity to name its software after majestic mountains or jungle cats.
In a country that astonishingly, exasperatingly still can’t agree on whether the fashy shit Trump has been saying is indeed fascist, one thing we can all come together on as god-fearing Americans and humans of this planet is we will never hit the download upgrade button at the first available opportunity. Pro tip: Let your friends install the update first so you can find out if it breaks your battery. We could be half-naked on the couch scrolling TikTok, and we’ll convince ourselves that we’re in the middle of something vital and urgent, and we’ll get to it on our own time. We hit “Remind Me Tonight” and Apple follows up with an automatic download at 3 AM. Is this a software update or a booty call?
And then for some reason, 90% of the time we wake up and our phone notifies us, “Sorry we couldn't update your phone after all,” with absolutely no reason given.