Our Lord and Savior is a Hack and a Grifter

This post contains lethal doses of sarcasm if read irresponsibly.

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If God made everyone in their image, then all our fuck ups would be God’s fuck ups. And if everything that happens is all part of God’s plan, then they created all of our problems and flaws deliberately. This would make both confessions and asking for forgiveness not only unnecessary, but also a futile waste of time.

God made me bad at math and a functional alcoholic, cursed me with a resting bitch face and chronic sarcasm, and created pussy and cocaine. How could they not see my life going completely off the rails?

I was set up to fail. I apologize for nothing.

My existence is a cosmic joke for our creator’s entertainment.

Who is God to judge me? Big Bang Theory ran for 12 seasons on their watch. Pigeons are a critical design failure. Motherfucker, Imma ‘bout to go to the Gates of St. Peter with my Yelp app open and tell Heaven they need better customer service because my prayers haven’t been answered IN YEARS.

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