I Am Beautiful, No Matter What I Say
This post contains lethal doses of sarcasm if read irresponsibly.
Me: “My goodness, what a beautiful morning! I’m so thankful to be alive. The pandemic was tough, but I’m fortunate to have my health and my loved ones.”
Nihilist Me: “You naive fool! Happiness is an illusion, a way to delude ourselves into thinking our lives are a journey toward something meaningful. Every day is a hollow lie. Every sunrise will deliver less pleasure with each passing morning. You will outgrow the feeling of awe at a full moon, joy at your mother’s smile, and belief in a just and loving God. Happiness is worthless; it is a servile submission reflex to avoid being singled out and labeled as a ‘bummer to be around.’”
Existentialist Me: “What does it really mean to be happy in a world full of needless suffering? How can you find any pleasure as our poisoned climate begins to collect its debts and choke all life? Mother Nature’s last word will be blind, despotic, and final. How will you smile as you scream in the face of extinction? How will you jump for joy as you wither in a miasma? How can you be content knowing that all your actions will have no effect on changing an uncaring machine that will harvest all our souls and kill everything it touches? Perhaps you will begin to scratch the surface of happiness when you forsake the noxious tedium that engulfs us all.”
Instagram Me: “Nice waistline, you flabby fuck! I see you’ve been laying on the Cheesy Gordita Crunches during the pandemic and you still haven’t run those excess calories off. You think you’re happy? Bet you can’t even make it up a flight of stairs without wheezing. When you see a fat girl on Hinge, do you shake your head every time you press that X so everyone knows you feel guilty? Well, hot girls probably think the same about you. You deserve to die alone.”
Tell me about the cheesy Gordita Crunches.
Slowly.
You're only as fat and miserable as you think you are. That will be $125.