How to navigate corporate speak
A handy guide for office drones.
At some level, every white-collar employee who comes into an office is getting the same experience, which is roughly that of being trapped in the middle seat between ChatGPT and Siri on a short and moderately bumpy flight. How that plays out depends, more or less, on that workweek’s level of turbulence and what kind of snacks they’re giving out. Most weeks, we are subjected to the usual experience of HR-sanctioned gobbledegook, all of which conveys no substance and completely obfuscates any kind of normal human communication until all words are sanitized of their meaning. If you say “time” instead of “bandwidth” there is at least a 50% chance that your project manager will take you into a meeting room and waterboard you with Lacroix. Everything is passive-aggressive and nothing makes sense.
As an advertising copywriter, sometimes my job entails manipulating language in a way that fits all of 1984’s most dystopian lessons into a McDonald’s commercial. I’m attuned to this specific brand of antiseptic language and the professionalized lummoxes who spew these canned phrases as if their brains are a cassette tape lodged inside a Teddy Ruxpin.
Here are a few translations of common corporate speak:
We’re a family. = “We’re a business.”
We have a strong office culture. = “No one gets along, and a few people drink.”
Let me check with my team. = “No.”
Possibly. = “No.”
On my roadmap. = “Not happening.”
This will be done in Q4. = “This will be done in Q2 next year.”
Can we reschedule this for Monday? = “What kind of asshole schedules a Friday afternoon call? I want to sign off early and have some patio beers.”
I hope you are well. = “Let me say something nice before I ask you for something.”
Per my last email. = “Try reading for once in your life.”
A gentle reminder. = “I have reminded you about this multiple times, how the fuck is this not done yet?”
Happy to chat if it’s easier. = “Please do not call me as this is already crystal clear.”
Let me know if you have any questions or concerns. = “This is pretty straightforward, so you better not have any questions or concerns.”
As discussed. = “I don’t trust you to do this so I’m putting it in writing.”
I’ll leave this in your capable hands. = “This is not my fucking job. It’s your job.”
This is outside of my scope, I’m afraid. = “This is not my problem. But it’s definitely yours.”
Reattaching for ease of reference. = “If you were halfway competent, I would not have had to send this email.”
Moving forward. = “Can you stop making the same mistake over and over again? I can’t believe we’re still having this conversation.”
Let’s put a pin in it. = “I don’t care to talk about this anymore and I hope you forget about this.”
Let’s circle back. = “We’ll never speak of this again.”
Let’s take this offline. = “I want no record of what I’m about to say.”
The deadline is past due and needs to be addressed urgently otherwise an escalation may be required. = “Fuck around and find out.”
With all due respect. = “Prepare for verbal combat, bitch!”
I don’t have the bandwidth. = “Are you seriously dumping another project on me?”
I apologize for the tight turnaround. = “I forgot about this project I knew about for weeks until five minutes ago and it’s due tomorrow, so I’m dumping this on you at the last minute. If this goes sideways, I’ll pin all of this on you. Also, I’m not sorry.”
Can we get this across the finish line? = “Can you work late tonight?”
Challenging landscape. = “We’re going out of business quickly.”
Digital transformation. = “We’re going out of business slowly.”
Transformative phase. = “Layoffs are imminent.”
We’re going through a restructure. = “My friend needs your job.”
Let’s pivot. = “That really didn’t work.”
Perhaps we should take notes. = “The youngest woman in the room must take notes.”
We encourage a transparent feedback culture. = “We only want to hear how great we are and will penalize you for real opinions.”
We'll be having a meeting to level set. = “Let’s discuss why I’m right and you’re wrong.”
Let’s make sure our metrics are aligned. = “Your life for the next year will be ruled by our KPIs.”
30,000 foot view. = “I don’t know what I’m saying.”
Can you put all that in an email for me? = “I’m never gonna read it and just want it out of my way for now.”
Anyone have any questions before we get started? = “I don’t know where to start.”
Taking a step back. = “I wasn’t paying attention so can you repeat what you just said?”
Just to piggyback off what you just said. = “I’m a senior person with nothing to say, but I need to say something to prove I’m relevant.”
Low-hanging fruit. = “Easy promotion.”
Open up the kimono. = “HR violation.”
We’re not there yet. = “We’re not thinking about that and never will regardless of what you all want.”
It’s on the agenda. = “This will never happen in your lifetime.”
We’re looking for self-starters. = “Nobody has a clue what the job entails, and there is no training. The last person quit and walked out.”
Fast learner. = “Absolutely no training.”
Must wear many hats. = “We don’t know how to staff properly and you need to do the work of multiple people for the salary of one.”
Great exposure. = “You’re about to sell your soul to this job.”
Fast-paced work environment. = “We will work you to the bone.”
Must be able to multitask. = “Be ready to do the work of people who make more than you and work fewer hours than you.”
Young and dynamic team. = “We employ inexperienced and unqualified staff that rotates frequently.”
This job requires thick skin. = “Things are super toxic here.”
We will keep your resume on file. = “We are currently burning your resume while we dance around it naked.”
We’re data-driven. = “We will manipulate data in a way that enables our executive team to rationalize and justify the decisions they already wanted to make.”
It’s a temporary workaround, IT will fix it before it goes live. = “We didn’t tell IT shit, so it won’t be fixed. You will deal with the initial chaos and find the solution before we ever raise it to IT.”
We use AI. = “We don’t use AI.”
We use machine learning. = “We don’t use machine learning.”
AI is here to help you maximize productivity, unleash your fullest potential, and complement your work. = We will use AI to replace you as soon as humanly possible.
Leverage our core competencies. = “I want to sound intelligent, so I’ll just default to a more verbose way of saying, ‘We’re going to do what we do best.’”
All hands on deck. = “Let’s actually try for once please.”
Please stop microwaving forks. = I can’t figure this one out but HR keeps telling me this.
Have any that you’ve come across in the workplace? Leave them and your translations in the comments!
I need to lie down before I can revisit this list. A flood of trauma just enveloped my battered brain.
“Look at the bigger picture” -
1.I haven’t a clue what you are talking about because you are being specific. Please use some general waffle that does mean anything so I can understand it.
2. I am pretending that I am better than you because I like to make out that I have some overall, mystical insight that no one else has.