Everything Is a Lie
This post contains lethal doses of sarcasm if read irresponsibly.
I’m still waiting for God to blow up the sun. Half of North America is always on fire, so what difference does it make? Just crater this planet. If humanity can ever pull itself out of this perpetual cycle of fucking around and finding out, maybe we will finally take a hard look at ourselves and at least reconsider why it costs $16.99 for an airport sandwich that tastes like rigor mortis.
It may be bold of me to assume there is an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent god. After all, if such a god DOES exist, they would be responsible for Ben Shapiro and “Big Bang Theory.” Shoddy work. And I call god “they” and not “he,” because if god created everyone in their image, our almighty creator would be a genderfluid, pansexual, racially ambiguous hermaphrodite.
It might make sense, then, that this universe operates on the principles of free will and karma, not the arbitrary judgments of a wrathful god. But then I think about how every member of the Kardashian family still hasn’t been mauled by a stray dog. I have an annoying neighbor who always complains about the music being too loud at 9:30 PM on a Saturday, and I wonder why they haven’t been murdered by a golf club during a Home Owners Association dispute. The relationship between cause and effect has slipped wildly out of joint.
Prayer is my only hope, I guess. God, if you’re listening to me instead of the billions of others who want you to give them a winning lottery ticket or smite the wild raccoon that tears through their trash, can you at least teleport the salsa across the table so I don’t have to reach for it?
9:30 PM on any day of the week is pretty late, you whippersnapper!
God is a man with a long beard and a robe. But did he sew his own robe or was he naked until he got someone to sew it for him? This is important theology. And why doesn't God shave? God never told us why he doesn't shave. But he's definitely a man, otherwise that ceiling graffiti is wrong, and that would be sad.