I Missed March Madness and the Solar Eclipse
Catching up on the important stuff while I was away.
I Don’t Know Exactly What Happened, But I Can Take a Guess…
I can’t imagine this would ever come off as much of a brag or even mildly impressive to anyone who isn’t plagued with steakheaded tendencies, but I feel like I know how to watch college hoops. Not in a manner that would inform a successful March Madness bracket or help me follow what’s going on, but I have realized that basketball isn’t for me to understand. I watch March Madness in the same way I listen to a Spotify vibes playlist: At night, un-sober and un-serious, not quite idly but not really with anything like rigor. To do anything else would seem not just to be courting disappointment, but to be missing the point. I also try not to limit my madness to March.
Because I did such an economical job of planning a three-week vacation to Bolivia and Chile at the end of March, I couldn’t watch this year’s abundance of ultra-lopsided and janky teams, the all-offense/no-defense squads of the SEC, and the maniacal defensive stylings of Iowa State—or even indulge in the lower-grade pleasures of having a decidedly mid Duke team in the field. An extra-bummy job by the NCAA’s selection committee—even by their usual standards—gooses the usual March variance even higher, which may be hazardous to your bracket, but I do enjoy watching the only person who passionately watches college basketball finish last place in our office pool.
This time of the year, it’s important to emphasize how special it is for Americans to come together and gamble billions of dollars on 19-year-old communications majors. I love becoming the biggest fan of teams I have no attachment to and am watching play for the first time. There is a specific type of unpredictable, uncertain, uncanny basketball that this particular tournament promises, including how someone like Jack Gohlke was the best player on the floor in a game with five future NBA players and he’ll be selling life insurance in three months. Sure, there is always the Cinderella story of a few no-hopers vaulting all the way into the field of actual championship contention, but there is also the thrilling matchup of five Mormons playing against five Catholics on national television, which would be a YMCA rec league game in any other context.
I don’t imagine that this needs to be underlined given this happens every March Madness, but there is always some goofy white guy on every team; he’s rocking goggles and he’s somehow chewing on his jersey while draining threes, like he was built in a factory out of spare McLovin parts. There are also random universities/upset merchants who are named after some old white man, and these schools are always, for some reason, in rural Indiana.
As I followed tournament updates on the ESPN app while on some sketchy Wi-Fi network in various hostels located in the Uyuni salt flats or Patagonia, I realized the real reason why we are so enamored with March Madness. We watch it for the same reason why drunk people play Mario Kart at a house party. No matter how good you are, technically anyone can win. Except this year, the favorite who felt as overwhelming as Connecticut did, but it’s the only thing my home state has going for it.
The Solar Eclipse, Same as the Last Eclipse…
Fake that you went blind, say you were sold knockoff glasses that didn’t work.
The eyes (singular) of God looking straight at me, for I was the chosen one… *proceeds to trauma dump and rant about their ex*
“I was hoping the eclipse would cure me of nicotine addiction!”
Write a clickbait headline in a sociopathic magazine like The Economist about how the solar eclipse cost the American economy $700 million in lost productivity.
“Wow, guys, this is just like that time my dad hit me.”
“TODAY’S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!”
Fart out a LinkedIn post about how you were able to take a break from the daily grind to marvel at the beauty of the universe, which made you reflect on what’s important in life: Family, personal growth, life satisfaction, and hitting all your quarterly KPIs.
Taking this week to remember one of the top Big Don moments. There’s something so horrifically beautiful about this: Just a guy blinding himself in the process of appreciating the beauty of life.
“Some say it’s the best ball of flaming gas, that’s what people are saying. I’ve heard people say, ‘Wow—what a great ball of gas that is!’ Maybe we can use that gas for our energy economy. I dont know… we have people looking into it. We have people looking into it.”
At least he’s doing safety squints.
Given that the fish can’t breathe, this is the equivalent of God yanking you off the Earth and dragging you into the vacuum of space with no protection just to watch a black hole or something. Also, a human being considered a “higher being” is debatable. But, it is admirable that one of the guys sacrificed his eyesight so the fish could wear his glasses.
Fish astronomy advanced by thousands of years in a single moment.
hmmm fish can see underwater and then they probably wouldn’t need the glasses…
but into the more important things!
You’ve got to keep your Madness in March. That’s just how it works, very traditional.
January: Joy
February: Facetious (I looked you’ve been nailing this one)
March: Madness
April: Apathy (some people go with anxiety but they’re wrong it’s too late for that by April the year is already getting on)
May: Manic (no this isn’t the same as madness)
June: Jubilation
July: Jaded (June was not all it was cracked up to be)
August: Acceptance (we’re more than halfway through this year and it looks like this is what we’ll be getting)
September: Sentiment (summer has mellowed and we’re feeling wise)
October: Obfuscation (what did you think all the costumes were about?)
November: Neuroticism (Obsessive football watching and an awkward family meal what else could be happening?)*
December: Dysfunction (I feel this goes without explanation just give it some thought.)
* I know, I know Canadians do the awkward meal in October it’s just hard to resist the lure of early neuroticism blame the Premier.
So do keep the Madness where it belongs.
When you admitted absconding to South America in breach of parole I thought you were joking...😎🤣