"Yes, I would be happy to help with your last-minute request."

It's important to play office politics.

May 15, 2024

From: ashlynn.weber@madmen.com
To: sam.colt@madmen.com
Time: May 14 at 4:50 PM
Subject: Client Edits Need to be Made ASAP - URGENT

Hey Sam!
Sorry for the last-minute request - don’t hate me, I’m just the messenger - but the client decided we’re changing complete course on the full-funnel campaign strategy, which means everything we’ve worked on needs to be redone to accomodate this shift in priorities.
However, this will not affect the go-to-market date, which means client is still expecting V10 of the campaign launch to review first thing tomorrow morning. I need to reiterate that this is URGENT and TOP PRIORITY.
If you could please get this over the finish line tonight, that would be AMAZING!!
Again, sorry!
Best,
Ashlynn

Hey Ashlynn, you insufferable bitch who can’t go on mat leave soon enough,

Thanks for dropping another end-of-day assignment on me as I’m in the throes of yet another 70-hour workweek. I wouldn’t expect an account executive to sympathize with my situation, considering you’re a glorified middleman whose job consists of playing adult telephone with clients who never know what the fuck they want. You say you’re just the messenger, and that’s the problem. Every single goddamn campaign you manage is a last-minute pants-on-fire emergency, which suggests you either have the organizational skills of a crackhead, or you consistently fail to manage client expectations and maintain boundaries.

But alas, your incompetence is my overtime.

I will rejoice the day when your pregnancy renders you incapable of performing this job and you are consigned to the dregs of early motherhood. A screaming infant will be karmic retribution for your petulant requests and untimely demands. They will wince and whine with the sting of 1,000 email notifications until they deplete your soul of all vitality. Changing their poo-stained diapers shall give you just a glimpse of what it is like to work around the clock at unreasonable hours cleaning the shitstorm of your pathological disorganization.

A vivid vignette of you painfully pushing through labor runs through my head. You glance down at your womb with the immediacy of relieving yourself from torturous agony ripping through every fiber of your muscles, as you wail to your unborn child, “CAN YOU START CROWNING?? IT’S URGENT!!” Your iPhone will light up with Outlook banner updates, streams of endless email threads notifying you that client is pushing up your due date by three weeks. Sometimes, we have to shift priorities.

In due time, your sociopathic lack of people skills and basic empathy will bleed into your parenting methods. You will have no other idea how to urge your child into helping out with household chores other than to poke them with a stick while repeating, “Is it done yet? I’ll follow up with a confirmation.” You will have no other form of motivation and positive reinforcement other than to yell and panic in frantic desperation as your child struggles to complete their homework assignments; they will stare at a blank screen as they reach through the depths of their hollow consciousness for inspiration as you scream into their ear “WE’RE FAST APPROACHING THE DUE DATE!! CAN YOU GIVE ME AN UPDATE ON WHERE THIS PROJECT STANDS??”

And your child will only grow to resent you like I do, looking at you with the same kind of disdain that’s typically reserved for pedophiles and Jehovah’s Witnesses. And one day, your fate will place you lying lifeless on your living room floor with your neck snapped like a brittle twig after your child kicked you down a flight of stairs in defiant protest of your unreasonable demands. We can frame this as a shift in parental strategy, so it’s important to adjust. Sometimes, our timelines change.

Rot in hell,

Your sworn enemy

From: sam.colt@madmen.com
To: ashlynn.weber@madmen.com
Time: May 14 at 4:52 PM
Subject: RE: Client Edits Need to be Made ASAP - URGENT

Hey Ashlynn!
For sure, I completely understand. I’ll have all the edits and adjustments ready to look over first-thing tomorrow morning.
Let me know if you need anything else! 😊
Best,
Sam