I am biased in a number of very obvious ways, but as the cherry blossoms bloom, my mind gravitates toward the existential dread of how my schedule is about to get more “busy,” at least by the sliding scale I-work-on-a-computer-while-wearing-sweatpants standard of the definition “busy.” Wedding season is upon us, although I’ve been informed by my engaged friends that weddings are not just on weekends, and the season lasts 52 weeks.
All of the love in the air, the moments and the spaces that connect the relationships attempting the eternal, reveals itself during the special moment when two partners come together to arrange a list of products at Crate & Barrel so you can buy them a KitchenAid Stand Mixer. There is no greater external validation of love than clicking “Quantity 1” for a Nomad briefcase grill for your friend and some woman you met once in Cabo. Given the rising statistical probability of divorce, can we all agree that a Groupon for couples therapy is a more pragmatic wedding gift?
My fridge door is plastered with 5”x7” “Save the date” cardstocks that all leverage the same loopy wedding font that either looks like your HR manager adding “some personality” to their corporate email signature or someone attempting to write in cursive after 12 tequila shots. Every picture contains a woman wearing a beautiful summer dress and a man looking like he went to the back nine of his local golf course right after that photo shoot ended. I should buy a paper shredder.
I consider an invite to a wedding a hostile act of unspeakable financial violence. If we only keep up via social media, please don’t invite me: Let’s save you $200 and me $2,000. I don’t need to hear First Corinthians again or watch you dance to “Amazed” by Lone Star. I’ll take a hard pass on cringing at weird comments by the bride’s father. I will still like your wedding photos and even pray for your marriage.
And when you think you’re hearing wedding bells, it’s actually a group text that’s going off because none of the groomsmen have ordered their tuxedos from Men’s Wearhouse and the wedding is in two days. I will always cherish the times I have to YouTube, “How to tie a tie (Windsor).”