TJ Maxx is a wonderland...

... of things I didn't know I wanted and definitely don't need.

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I acquired the picture above for a very reasonable $20 at a TJ Maxx. Before you think to yourself, this absolutely radiates class and fanciness, you should see the bust of Winston Churchill I also bought. I will put a Santa hat on little Win Diesel during the holiday season, adorn him with a decorative spider for Halloween, and surround him with miniature fencing year-round to protect him from Antifa graffiti attacks. I don’t know why TJ Maxx sells this crap, nor do I know why I buy it. Prior to my demented impulse purchase, the only two places that included a bust of Winston Churchill were the Oval Office and the large manors of elderly English men with deeply held opinions about the fox-hunting ban.

In America, where we respect the free market system and take personal success seriously, I stand inside a TJ Maxx bemused and surrounded by red-faced men in oversized Dockers. The entire business model and general vibe of a TJ Maxx is so insane that it’s almost poignant. Their business plan involves doing a little bit of everything, but the quality is just south of “great.”

I don’t mind shopping, and I actually enjoy the open-ended flipping-through-boxes-of-junk kind of shopping, which is why the experience of wandering through a TJ Maxx feels like a psychotically whimsical gambit through an estate sale that was just hit with a grenade. There are nightstands next to rollerblades, extravagant women’s shoe sections and non-existent men’s shoe sections, red-ticket discounted biscotti, and “gourmet I-talian coffee” that’s actually just a pouch filled with shaved plywood and a single chocolate chip.

I go to TJ Maxx to buy heavily discounted FCUK underwear, a giant candle, and truffle oil. I leave with cat dental care treats, a dry mango slice single-serving, a luggage case from a brand no one has ever heard of, and a giant pillow that’s shaped like a cowboy boot.

I know everything at TJ Maxx isn’t used, but everything here feels used. This makes me wonder how there has never been a TJ Minn that specifically sells used items.

If you pitched the business model of TJ Maxx on Shark Tank, they would look at you completely perplexed and say, “This is dumber than the company that described themselves as, ‘the Warby Parker of air conditioners.’”

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