Time to check in on my New Year's resolutions...
There's some progress...
It is too bright a line or clear a distinction given what I’m talking about, but broadly speaking, there are New Year’s resolutions that put me on my best behavior and ones that inspire me to be… well, not worse. Not really worse, that part is kind of non-negotiable given it’s my neurotic and maladaptive buffoonery that we’re talking about. I go into a new year not so much with an agenda or performance improvement plan as much as I do an instinct for pushing my behavior off the rails in variously unexpected ways, resulting in various spectacular crash outs. None of this is a warning shot, or a display of adult incompetence, or anything as fraught as any of that. There is simply no sane or clear-eyed way for me to be any less of a man child.
In this case, I failed. From a consideration of the minor-key and weird-feeling optimism of transforming into a better version of myself, this was a uniquely volatile disruption of progress. I told myself I wasn’t going to shit my pants in 2025, but my sphincter just gave up and a half-solid blob of digested brunch seeped slowly into my pants. Maybe it would be unfair to frame this incident as a failure. This will be an opportunity to reframe how I think about myself, the goals I set, the accomplishments I have achieved, and whether I’m too hard on myself sometimes. My therapist would call this an unsuccessful attempt.
In case you were curious, this happened yesterday morning while I was sipping on a cold brew and walking home from the park. The prairie dog peaked its head out from the cleft separating my cheeks, and its presence was a bit more urgent and dire than anticipated. The public restrooms were locked-up for some inexplicable reason, so this was all a matter of mistiming. It happens. At least I still finished my morning coffee.
I was down bad in 2024. There were a lot of late-night Gunnesses and taco trucks, so I was convinced this would be my year. I was so close to following through on my New Year’s resolution! It was also really awkward picking up dog food on my way home.