The Epstein List
blah blah blah
“Epstein and Weinstein… the ‘Wario’ and ‘Waluigi’ of rape.”
—Nick Mullen
I don’t consider myself much of an Epstein head. While the real conspiracy here is believing that he actually killed himself, this saga—like Russiagate and other online riffraff—seems to be a titillating tale for people to latch onto as a substitute critique of a patently unfair and grotesque system because they lack the language to lambast capitalism itself.
This fixation on Jeffrey Epstein is too inchoate to comfortably fit into any particular ideology. The suspicion that we are plagued by powerful enemies who lurk in plain sight is older than capitalism itself. Throughout human history, people believed that witches caused illnesses, that Jews poisoned wells, that the Tsar’s wicked ministers whispered lies into his ear. Some people are rightfully upset by the senseless and preventable misery of the world we live in but they do not understand how it operates on a nuts-and-bolts level, so they tend to attribute humanity’s misfortunes to powerful figures involved in lurid acts of evil: Sexual immorality, desecration of shrines, cannibalism, a violation of taboos. Even if they do not believe that the specific acts described are literally causing this broader terror, they nonetheless fixate on these acts as vivid proof of the evildoer’s turpitude.
The following few sentences will constitute what we in the business call the To Be Sure… paragraph, so I am not suggesting that Jeffrey Epstein wasn’t a sick and vile pervert who committed some heinous acts of pedophilia. But the idea that his particular brand of criminality is somehow emblematic of the broader political/economic system’s immorality is a form of engagement that mimics the ancient practice of hunting the evil spirits who have infiltrated our midst. It's a reflection of this deluded belief that the proper moral order has been subverted by vague, subterranean forces, and nothing more.
After years of watching America’s most powerful and least accountable people fail upward or hop off a self-imposed crisis on a golden parachute, I have resigned myself to the idea that the Epstein list will go the way of the Panama Papers. However, at least this has been a source of entertainment.
Thankfully the Stephen Hawkings bit is fake
I know this reads too much like a 2000s Comedy Central skit to be true, but I can’t erase the mental image of Epstein having his island made to be ADA-compliant so everyone feels included in the orgies.
It is rather jarring to think about ableism-on-ableism crime involving a man whose body is a giant wet ramen noodle typing “Work it, make it, do it
Makes us harder, better, faster, stronger” into his text-to-voice box while naked little people jump up and down to scribble answers to a quantum physics problem on a chalkboard. Then, he approaches one of the females and puts the speaker on her crotch while typing brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr over and over.
I’m going to hell.
Aaron Rogers vs. Jimmy Kimmel
Last week on “The Pat McAfee” show, the NFL’s most terminally online quarterback discussed the forthcoming list of Epstein’s associates and said: “There’s a lot of people, including Jimmy Kimmel, really hoping that doesn’t come out” and, “If that list comes out, I definitely will be popping some sort of bottle.”
The only link I could find between Kimmel and Epstein is the late-night comedian used to co-own a BBQ restaurant with Epstein’s former private chef Adam Perry Lang.
I assume, while rehabbing his Achilles, Aaron Rodgers went down the following rabbit hole:
Hypothetically, you’re a famous comedian and all your rich friends say you have to come to this guy Jeff’s island, and while you’re there, you have the best brisket of your life. You also find out it’s El Dorado for diddlers, so you find the chef and tell him to quit and open a restaurant with you. He says the pedo money is too good; he’s not quitting, but he’ll open the place with you. He convinces you that Jeff has been doing this for years and will never get caught; as long as you don’t fuck kids, you’ll never be in trouble even if he is. Now, I’m just asking questions, but, what if…
Jimmy Kimmel, clearly displeased, did not pull any punches:
Communicating what basically amounts to, “If you keep saying I associated with the world’s most notorious pedo, I’ll sue you” through a tweet starting with “Dear Aasshole” is maybe the funniest thing Kimmel has ever done.
I’m waiting for Aaron Rodgers to triple down by continuing to refer to Kimmel as “Epstein adjacent” without elaborating on what he means by it, just so Jimmy Kimmel can reply with, “My lawyer is nasty and VERY cheap!”
Should’ve Played the Anti-semitism Card…
Well… there WAS a man in jail for this.
It is hilarious that Ghislaine is trying to diabolically #girlboss her way out of this, but I guess they hate to see women break through in male-dominated fields.
She could just wait for the CIA to zap her with the autoerotic asphyxiation gun, and then no one would be in jail for this.
BREAKING: Bill Clinton is a Sex Pest!
Wow, I didn’t know this… you're telling me now for the first time!
It has been amusing to read Reddit and Twitter comments like, “well ya of course THAT creep was a fuckin pedo, but Biden for sure isn’t.” It will be funnier in three years when we see reply guys type, “well ya ofc that fucking weirdo kiddie sniffer was a pedo, but there's no way Newsom would do something like that 🙅”
American politics is literally pick your sociopath. Anyone camping for any of these freaks is delusional.
A Who’s Who of Vile Lizard People
“Alan, why are you named the most in these documents about a global pedophile child trafficking cabal?”
The Dershowitz defense: “But did those Epstein sexual assault survivors ever condemn Hamas?”
It seems like a waste of time to bring this up, but a majority of the people living in Gaza are women and children. Will he defend them with half as much fervor?
Alan Dershowitz is a living, breathing self-own.
Personally, I wish the rich and powerful and unbelievable arrogant who get away with this crap would just screw each other into oblivion. Then when they get syphilis we can tell them "whoops, no antibiotics....supply chain problem sorry. But we do have a new vaccine for you (evil laugh).
Epstein really did commit suicide. Did anyone seriously believe he'd stick around for a trial and decades in prison?