Happy Christmas, Er Holidays!
This post contains lethal doses of sarcasm if read irresponsibly.
HO! HO! HO! MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS! There is something strange and even dreamlike, just at an essential level, about reliving the same lockdown winter fairly similar to the previous one. I can now confirm, after the Omicron variant has spread like holiday cheer and/or cynicism, that it is far stranger and even more dreamlike when a new viral outbreak syncopates with the consumerist cycle of those cursed Toyotathon commercials.
It may well be that your dreams are different than mine, and for your sake, I hope they are, but it was not very long ago that this ongoing pandemic slog felt not just implausible, but impossible. Rather than spend my time watching some mediocre prestige TV show that my friends insist is scintillating, I have defaulted to the internet—which may be more incandescently toxic—to trace an edge-of-sanity path in search of a thematic through-line amongst this improvised chaos. SPOILER: This is all nonsense.
For the passel of sickos and dementors that also engage in this holographic puppet show, I would like to thank you for joining me in mocking these deranged content missives, even if your passing participation is less perverse than my proactive journey through mostly mid-tier entertainment.
To wrap this all up (HAHA CHRISTMAS PRESENT PUN), I will leave this introduction by stating that if Santa stopped sliding down chimneys and instead drove around in a tinted moving van tossing out Play Station 5s, he’d be a guest of honor at Epstein Island.
Anyways, here’s a round-up of shitposts for Christmas. Enjoy the oatmeal slop!
It’s like microdosing presents, except every present sucks.
Quite literally, theoretically, let’s say, for the sake of the argument that your grandma was, in fact, run over by a reindeer. The two witnesses to her death—i.e. you and your grandpa—very easily could have killed her and planted the hoof prints on her forehead and the Claus marks on her back.
You're telling me that a—and I know the radical woke left will come after me for body-shaming—but a realistically 300-plus pound man is fitting down a standard American brick chimney? I'm not buying it. In fact, I've yet to see any statistical evidence to support that reindeer can fly. This is yet another instance of the radical left mainstream media pushing their unrealistic agenda on the American people. Also, my doctor wife told me that reindeer can’t fly… How do you explain that?
I think it is safe to assume that grandpa ran grandma over with a forklift.
The naughty list doesn’t care about your feelings.
They’re on Santa’s “Naughty but Nice” list, because there’s no such thing as hyperpartisanship when the lights turn off.
Bend me over and call me a Christmas spread, then lodge a plate of cookies up my chimney!
You’ve heard of elf on a shelf. This is Kyle on a pile.
“Why is this eggnog so thick?”
Charldi B’s thicc Christmas bulbs makes my peanut.
I really tried to think of a joke or wordplay or something witty as commentary on this, but this is literally more funny and surreal of a situation than I could ever hope to post. The howling abyss of nihilistic nimbyism is the pick of the week.
Still waiting for Alec Baldwin to appear on SNL as Donald Trump in nothing but a diaper and saying “GOO GOO GA GA” while shitting himself on live TV.
Reindeer aren’t adequately compensated for their invaluable labor in terms of receiving Christmas presents. Clearly, Santa considers these otherwise majestic creatures to live an inferior existence fit only for servitude. (A glowing bright nose?? That’s a Chernobyl disaster.)
Ol’ Chris Cringle needs a refresher on diversity and inclusion, but he’s too busy getting pegged by Mrs. Claus. Christmas is only once a year because every other day, Santa’s ass is getting destroyed by Mrs. Claus shoving Christmas trees up him.
Remember kids, when you figure out the lies, they’re not only about Santa…
I choose to be Evil Secret Santa. Oh, there’s a $75 gift limit? I’ll stuff a $25 gift card to Starbucks and 50 $1 dollar bills into a black plastic bag.
It’s a satirical performance art that spoofs consumerism. Y’all need Jesus.
This meme would be 69% better if it was Kevin Malone.
Zuck got that sleep apnea.
I’m about to put out some milk.
The Flavor Savior Jesus Cheesus is feeling Baja Blessed. 🙏🙏🙏
If your relatives plunge into an anti-PC rant while enforcing acceptable festive speech codes in their household, reply by pointing out they support a holiday that encourages a culture of dependency.
If Christmas truly promoted American values, children would have to compete in the free market amongst their peers and demonstrate their value via a power ranking system that assesses who deserves worthwhile presents. Whoever plows snow off the most sidewalks and driveways gets a copy of Halo Infinite, and the rest can fend for themselves for a pair of socks from JC Penny.
I’m tired of watching this country condition five-year-olds to become welfare bums. This is why America doesn’t win anymore.
Santa was using children for labor and called them elves.
Two of the most unqualified people who waded into things they are not fit to do. I’d bet $100 on Jussie Smollett knocking out Kyle Rittenhouse in a slapping match.
My mom pounded a liter of spiked eggnog and is ranting about cancel culture. WTF, I love Hillary Clinton now…
Jesus was armed and dangerous because, in real life, he was an opium dealer who performed lame magic tricks while his apostles were faded.
When he resurrected Lazarus from OD’ing on that smack, he filed the claim to Blue Cross Blue Shield, who charged 100,000 gold coins for the procedure. Lazarus, being the broke bitch that he was, couldn’t pay up, so Jesus rolled up with a Desert Eagle and thus spoke, “You best believe a couple of rounds to your dome will put you back to the gates of St. Peter!”
You don’t have to understand. Let the waves wash over you.
As we venture back into a noumenal world full of nature and menial chores, we emerge gasping and rattled and quite possibly in a Creutzfeldt-Jacobs degenerative situation.
Unfortunately, this will be reoccurring.