You'll Get Through Thanksgiving.
Don't worry, just stick to these conversation topics.
Given everything we know and can reasonably surmise about Thanksgiving, visiting your family can be a difficult proposition, but it is also the most efficient way of explaining to your partner why you are the way you are. Dinners can turn into anything, and while the Here’s how to argue with your relatives about politics has become a tiresome and grating trope during the Trump years, some relatively normal families are way too preoccupied with squabbling over personal matters to plunge into Red Team vs. Blue Team skirmishes. I don’t care about your opinions on tariffs; where are the 18-year grudges about a cast iron pan someone took from mom’s house?
Well, if you’re like me, you’re likely stressed about seeing your family after another year of accomplishing nothing.
As you make your way home, it is advisable to soothe your anxiety by pulling into a Home Depot parking lot, play some Deftones on full blast as you scream into the steering wheel. If that doesn’t alleviate the pulsating tension, you can either smoke a full pack of cigarettes or take some cues from my bullet-proof 30-something-year-old guide for Thanksgiving conversation. Maybe you want to dodge some thorny conversations, or maybe you want to sow the seeds of chaos.
Here are some tips to navigate some sensitive topics:
Yeah, I know there are more greys. I’ll check out some Black Friday deals for Just For Men.
No, we broke up.
I actually enjoy driving a Prius.
It’d be so much easier to order pizza for Thanksgiving dinner.
Oh, you just saw a TikTok about how California is passing a bill to make it illegal to be white? Wow, that’s crazy…
Eh, I’m busy, but busy is good.
No, I REALLY don’t want to have kids. I’d rather adopt a pet raccoon.
Oh, you heard that Wal-Mart has underground tunnels for abducting children? I heard they’re using Elon Musk’s hyperloop to shuttle the children from store to store. “Wal Mart” is an anagram for “Mart Law.” Really makes you think…
I’m not philosophically opposed to spending Thanksgiving alone at a Waffle House.
Actually, you’re being condescending.
I’ll start the Thanksgiving prayer. Dear Lord and Jesus, please let the Capitol Hill rioters go free…
Hey, Ashleigh. You’re six years old now? You’re so big now! Crazy how time flies... So, don’t you think you’re a little too old to watch Disney shows? It’s corporate dreck and you’re stuck in classic neoliberal arrested development. How bleak. If you’re not into Sartre by kindergarten, you’ll probably have to resign yourself to the possibility that later on in life, you’ll never be able to fuck BPD art hoes on the reg.
No, this is my fourth plate of food.
Isn’t it funny that the Jets had the highest expectations in 25 years and the Patriots had the lowest expectations in 25 years and they’re both 3-7? Aaron Rodgers will only be the second-best ex-Green Bay Packers generational QB to play for the Jets.
I think it’s fun to go to the mall on Black Friday.
Want to see my new tattoo?
I thought showing up empty-handed wasn’t a big deal.
Self-imposed pressure does not have to ruin quality bonding time this Thanksgiving. They’re your family, they’ll still most likely like you.
"So, don’t you think you’re a little too old to watch Disney shows? It’s corporate dreck and you’re stuck in classic neoliberal arrested development."
No, they're not, and no, I'm not.
I’ve quit cigarettes.
Moving on to cigars.