I'm Late to This, But This Taylor Swift and Ticketmaster Ordeal is Insane.
This post contains lethal doses of sarcasm if read irresponsibly.
My girlfriend—who I love dearly—is a die-hard Swiftie and has forced me to listen to “Midnights” for the last few months ad nauseum as if she has mastered the dark art of unintentional sonic waterboarding. TikToks of Taylor Swift’s Eras tour are thrust onto me as if these shrieking fans have coalesced into a metaphorical frotteur weaving through a crowded subway. Seeing clips of her on stage and awkwardly swaying her hips is like watching a vapid, sexless, automated corporate product, a Chuck E. Cheese robot on the fritz. She is the Elizabeth Holmes of music. I want to see David Lynch or Harmony Korine direct a movie starring Taylor Swift, but her plastic normie-ness is a trope or surrealistic symbol. It will be titled—Spring Breakers 2: Nashville Bachelorette Weekend.
Anyways, because of this nonconsensual exposure, I have incidentally seen floor spots to these shows listed at $95,000 in the resell market, which means T-Swift seats are the new Bitcoin. Buying a concert ticket shouldn’t be a battle against scalpers, bots, and Chase Sapphire Card holders. Since Swifties are rabid and willing to die for the cause, their insane dedication has sparked an ongoing anti-trust lawsuit against Ticketmaster. Get fucked Karl Marx, Taylor Swift is radicalizing the masses!
In the months since, based on my passive observations, everything about this ordeal is embarrassing for everyone involved.
Under “Taylor Swift trending” on Twitter, it’s an endless deluge of grown adults posting Notes manifestos about Ticketmaster fumbling online sales to the Eras tour. These rants end with them explaining how this is literally their 9/11. You are in your mid-30s—9/11 was your 9/11!
Ticketmaster didn’t appreciate their snarky tone, so they booted 10 million people off their online portal. I assume people who work for Ticketmaster kiss their partner goodbye every morning and cheerfully drive to work to ruin people’s lives. The office vibe must be like when NASA blows up an asteroid for no reason and everyone in the control room is wearing the same shirt and tie and they’re high-fiving, but instead, this is when Ticketmaster realizes they can charge a $35 convenience fee to email a QR code.