My Spotify Wrapped Does Not Define Me, Unless It Makes Me Seem Sophisticated
This post contains lethal doses of sarcasm if read irresponsibly.
My friends are sharing their Spotify Wrapped results and they are littering my Instagram stories. I unironically hate this part of the year because everyone whips out these round-ups and dangles them in front of our faces as if they have good taste in music.
These numbers are obviously skewed, since this doesn’t even include the hours of vinyl...
The window for your streams to be included in your Spotify Wrapped is January 1—October 31. Anything we listen to during November and December isn’t accounted for, which would seem to be the opportunity to cram in all the guilty pleasure listens. I mean, IDGAF if people know I listened to a bunch of Kyary Pamyu Pamyu and Limp Bizkit last year. 2021 was a weird year for me and I will not elaborate or apologize.
Someone I know has Molchat Doma in their Top 5, and literal waterboarding couldn't get that out of me.
Oh, Darren has The National, Car Seat Headrest, Ethel Cain, Sufjan Stevens, Lingua Ignota. Is this Pitchforkcore?
Braeden is a top 0.5% of John Maus listeners. He either has the personality of a hot girl or he’s a future school shooter.
Justin has The Fall, Brand New, The Velvet Underground, Pavement, Silver Jews. This is the Top 5 of someone gunning to be a music critic 10 years ago.
Krystyl has Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Phoebe Bridgers, Doja Cat, Mitski. It’s like she got “DE&I Officer” on a free career aptitude test her freshman year of high school and built her entire personality around it to compensate for her molly addiction.
Jill texts me: “My wrapped ACCOSTED me with the amount I listen to Bad Bunny. 6,000 minutes!”
I'm also sick of regurgitated memes like, “no one cares if you’ve listened to 82,450 minutes of Taylor Swift.” Before I peep mine, I’ll post something more subversive:
“Let’s see Paul Allen’s Spotify Wrapped... Look at that subtle Olivia Rodrigo. The tasteful Silk Sonic of it. Oh my god, he's in the top 1% of Taylor’s Version…”
If I have to see constant baby pics, I won’t feel bad about posting my Spotify Wrapped. Mine does not define my personality unless it makes me look cool. Hoping all those nights playing At The Drive-In on repeat at 0 volume will finally pay off.
And my Top 5 is:
… embarrassing.