Is It OK to Put Pineapple On Pizza?

This post contains lethal doses of sarcasm if read irresponsibly.

After a long week and spending the last hour as a hangry grouch, the least appealing aspect of this group dinner is the prospect of doing everything “family style.” Excuse me if I want to gorge away on a large pizza and bury my sorrows in excessive carbs. Pineapple on pizzas has become an ultra-divisive hot-button topic of discussion among severely internet-damaged hobgoblins—mostly because it’s something quirky that sparks time-passing debate and also because someone probably poured bleach on their frontal lobes.

I took a game theory class in college, and it taught me to always understand everyone else’s moves and desires, but more importantly, to anticipate the unknown unknowns. I order a Hawaiian pizza with full confidence that everyone at the table is thoroughly disgusted with the idea of sweet fruit as a topping. What fools! How I pity their myopia. The pineapple is a gilded bulwark against their grubby fingers, their potential intrusion into my meal is no match for my brilliant foresight.

The pizzas arrive—sausage/pepper/onion, clam white, basil chorizo, and at last, my Hawaiian—and the cheesy, greasy goodness wafts into the air. Ashley reaches over to grab a slice, hands hovering over not one pizza, not two pizzas, not three pizzas, but descends upon the Hawaiian to break off a slice and plop it on her plate. I gently remind her that she absolutely fucking hates Hawaiian, and she oddly concurs.

“Yeah, but I love ham. I can just pick off the pineapple and enjoy the rest.”

Alas, I have been vanquished by tedious determination and fake fingernails.

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