I know I'm late to this, but American politics is getting too horny.
Many such cases!
If D.C. is Hollywood for ugly people, then it would track that political entertainment functions mostly to expose the latent sexual proclivities of America’s media and political class. The West Wing was a virtuosic showcase of liberal competence porn. There was Robert Mueller erotic fan fic. Ted Cruz was horny on main and infamously hearted some porn on 9/11. Mayor Pete was libidinal idpol for former roller backpack kids. The Cuomosexual phenomenon was a desperate grasp at baseline governmental proficiency while Donald Trump spent all of Covid getting his choad stuck in a toaster. David Brook’s NYT column is relentlessly aroused—and this is a real quote from him: “Love plows open the hard crust of our personality and exposes the fertile soil below”—which, in my twisted internal thoughts, has conjured the image of him whipping his dong out of his khakis and his pecker is speaking to him like one of those bullets in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. So in the realm of nasty depravity or sexual vice and scandal, within one week, America was exposed to a Mark Robinson’s Nazi-tinged goonfest on Nude Africa and a sexting scandal between Olivia Nuzzi and RFK Jr.
We are forced to confront the horniness of public figures, and our ability to do so depends on how disgusted we are by them in general. It is one thing for Mark Robinson to have also accrued over $1 million in debt and to run for governor of North Carolina on a platform of rank homophobia and racism, but only a true bottom-barrel degenerate would compulsively post on the forum of a porn site. It’s not just that Robinson’s comments on Nude Africa are repulsive and vomit-inducing, but the idea of this obese moron writing them and having these thoughts and performing these acts is deeply unsettling. Now it is public knowledge that he is an insane pervert who also likes to “suck the cream out of [his] sister-in-law’s pussy.” And before you judge him, her “asshole smells pissy,” which is apparently an aphrodisiac.
Outside of his casual use of the same username and email for everything, one of the reasons why Robinson was caught was his consistent system of incomprehensible phrasings. His entry point into conservative politics was his appearance in a viral clip mocking the victims of the Parkland High School Shooting and then he’d repost that video on the Nude Africa forum with a quote saying, “I don’t give a frog’s fat ass about your wheelchair, I care about the Bill of Rights.”
Even in an online space full of porn-brained, cum-drenched lunatics, Mark Robinson managed to establish himself as its kingpin asshole. CNN unearthed posts he left on Nude Africa’s message board between 2008 and 2012, in which he labeled himself a “black NAZI,” declared that he preferred Hitler to former president Barack Obama, yeared for a return to slavery, slammed Martin Luther King Jr. as a “fucking commie” who is “worse than a maggot” and referred to him as “Martin Lucifer Koon,” confessed to spying on showering women at a gym, and—although he has publicly characterized transgender people as “satanic filth”—described trans-themed porn as “fucking hot.” The report also states that:
“In a largely positive forum discussion featuring a photo of two men kissing after one returned from a military deployment, Robinson wrote the sole negative comment. “That’s sum ole sick ass f*ggot bullshit!” he wrote.
Considering this all took place during the golden age of internet forums, the comment section of a porn site is true bottom-feeder territory, since the only sense of commonality and community these creepers share is how much they love jacking off to the same content. Given the added context of Grindr usage spiking at this year’s Republican National Convention, what Mark Robinson posted about transgender porn is particularly illuminating into the mindset of reactionaries like him: You can take the man out without taking the man out! Like most delusional MAGA chuds, he clearly considers himself to be on top of the food chain if their vision of A Brave New World situation were to ever come to fruition in America; he has stated that he would like to buy a few slaves despite declaring bankruptcy multiple times. Otherwise, most of his comments are the most depraved 50 Shades of Grey ramblings imaginable.
From September 4, 2011:
“I’m back. We took a break for a little bit but picked back up where we left off. I hooked up with my wife’s sister, and boy was it good. That pussy is still creaming and that asshole is still slick, shiny, and pissy smelling. I fucked her good and after my dick was coated with her cream, we sixty-nined. She sucked my dick and balls clean and tossed my salad while I licked the cream out of that pussy and sucked her huge clit and tongue fucked that pissy asshole good and deep. I know it’s bad, but I can’t help it. That crack is like crack and I'm hooked.”
Also from Nude Africa:
“Had me another hot morning with the wife’s sister. She brought along her laptop this time and we watched some vids here on NA. The one that got us really hot was called ‘Wet Anal.’ That vid got her pussy soaking wet and y’all know what I did, right? That ass was wet, slick, and good and pissy and I licked and sucked that pussy and asshole till my face was covered with her funky juices. Then she sucked my dick till it was good and hard then lubed it down…”
So his dick wasn’t hard until that? I’m imagining this Baron Harkonen-esque lard just floating around the bedroom and taking one huff of her crotch and hitting the walls like he’s a screensaver. The way he describes sex is from the perspective of someone whose only interaction with intercourse is jacking off nine times a day to hardcore incest bondage porn. Mark Robinson is like a quarterback shouting an audible at the line of scrimmage: “Asshole cream lick! 69! 69! Pile driver position! Hold for cream pie! Hold for cream pie!” A great insight here is if you are in middle or high school and one of your friends is talking about sex like it is a meticulously choreographed orchestration, this is a foolproof method of catching them in a lie. Mark Robinson was in his 40s when he was posting this stuff.
Here are some further salacious details from NY Mag:
“One aspect of Robinson’s Nude Africa posts that is largely absent from his Facebook output is their lascivious tone, which tracks — it was a porn site, after all. But even that element of his personality was poorly camouflaged: In his memoir, Robinson writes in unmistakably horny tones about his borderline-Freudian obsession with trains, which began when he was a kid rolling underneath oncoming locomotives and experiencing a rush as they screamed overhead. He confessed to giving them borderline-sexual nicknames like ‘big dirty’ and stalking them across Guilford County trying to talk to them. ‘There’s a big dirty,’ he would say aloud when he spotted one, ‘and he’s trying to hide from me, but I see him.’”
This is like a Faulkner novel except it contains the prose of a man who has spent the first 20 years of his life living in an outhouse.
It would be the obvious take to point out the blatant hypocrisy of a disgusting and hateful ogre who takes an evil public stance on trans people while gooning to trans porn, but we’re well past the point of closeted Republican politicians being a novelty. Now Robinson is blaming AI for authoring these posts—and not only would this be an incredibly specific prompt, but this is also revelatory of how these guys argue with their wives when they’re caught cheating. Every one of these sick MAGA freaks, with Mark Robinson being the top offender, are beneficiaries of a political movement that offers nothing other than the opportunity to victimize people for their sexuality. This is a coalition of theocratic lemmings who want to force 11-year-old girls into childbirth, not even to punish women for having sex, but to punish women for any reason. Mark Robinson operates on the same wavelength as a certain kind of internet-induced degeneracy and in conjunction with extreme racist, misogynistic hard-right politics. There is nothing in his porno posts that would negatively affect his stature among his base as a Republican candidate for governor of North Carolina.
If anything, the most disqualifying element of this scandal is that Mark Robinson is incredibly stupid.
In addition to this being a disgusting tale of sexual depravity, each one of these stories is fundamentally an idiot test. If you are entering your real email into the comment section of a porn site, you have the cognitive power of a half-empty glass of room-temperature tap water. The Olivia Nuzzi-RFK Jr. drama unfolding in the same week as the Mark Robinson Nude Africa scuzz was like the second tower getting hit. Nuzzi claims this affair was entirely emotional-based, which is somehow weirder and categorically worse because she is a veteran journalist who decided to put this whole exchange in writing. Mark Robinson never fooled anyone into thinking he was a staunch defender of highfalutin conservative principles; he is a venal bigot whose public prominence is an indictment of America’s national and institutional decay. But for a journalist who has been vaunted as a smart insider to enmesh herself in a sexting scandal in this manner is astounding. Also, I scrolled past all these headlines, and they never even smashed? This is like an Emily Brontë novel, except their pillow talk is about how radishes can prevent Jewish wireless illnesses.
I have followed Nuzzi’s writing, and while I enjoy reading her output, this affair places a crystal focus on the essential issue I have with her as a political insider. Her feature profiles of prominent figures will flatter them so they feel comfortable in revealing all these telling details, and she is both disgusted by these men and admires them in equal measure. Her piece on Trump portrays him as a buffoonish golem because that isn’t particularly difficult to achieve, but the overall thrust of Nuzzi’s work mostly serves to humanize and glorify these odious figures. Also, Nuzzi’s online brand is built on this sort of try-hard contrarian posture, and if her whole thing is Seeing Through the Bullshit Partisanship and Being Above It All, it is baffling that she would have any desire to be dicked down by a man with self-professed brainworms and dumping a dead bear into Central Park.
So let’s explore her recent RFK profile in this new light:
“Bobby, as he’s known to friends, walked through the French doors dressed for his morning hike in blue jeans, a black hoodie, Keens, and an unfriendly expression. He said little as he led his three enormous canines to the van, though I don’t know what he could have said that would have prepared me for the sight of the thing. That the dog car survived a nuclear war maybe, or, even more frightening, the chicken-pox vaccine.
Rearview mirror smashed to bits, seat belts chewed off, cushions gnawed upon, filth and dog hair are covering every surface, the death machine smells so bad, I thought I might pass out after about 15 seconds riding shotgun. And that was before the candidate hung a sharp left and sped off toward the trail head, the dogs barking and toppling over the area of the car that theoretically should contain back seats, but instead holds a wooden bench. ‘Shut up, you idiots,’ he told the dog—at least I think he was talking to them—he swung the vehicle around to the parkside of the road, released the hounds, and started his ascent.”
I’m convinced RFK Jr. is a tulpa that’s been manifested by all the sins of his family—he looks like a Kennedy, but in demon form. So instead of doing typical Kennedy Nantucket-type activities like croquet or sailing, RFK Jr. is stuffing his dogs in a van that, by how Nuzzi describes it, was previously used for child abductions. He lets his dogs loose on a trail, and they seem like they are probably the Hans Landa for UPS guys. Instead of being a war hero or an industrialist or having an affair with Marilyn Monroe, RFK Jr. entangles himself in a text exchange with a striving nerd who worked for PandoDaily. His car smells like eight generations of dead carcasses moldering in the seating, and the Kennedy rizz can still get him into a sext dalliance with a young journalist. Although you don’t have to be particularly charismatic to impress someone who works in political media; this could be accomplished by wearing those shoes that light up when you walk.
The reactions from left-liberal media have been predictable. Apparently, the voting public is unaware of how a 70-year-old man can exploit a 31-year-old woman. There is no upper limit for when a woman can grow out of being hopelessly impressionable and easily manipulated. Just imagine how much an even older man could’ve coerced her: Jimmy Carter could turn her into Patty Hearst and Joe Biden could get her to go full Kill Bill on Cornpop’s remaining relatives. I’d go the opposite direction here—RFK Jr. was only 70, you sick fucks! Your brain doesn’t stop developing until you’re 78, and the worms have eaten so much of his pink matter, that he essentially has the mind of a 17-year-old. He never stood a chance.
It takes ruthless, cutthroat ambition to make it as a journalist of national stature, and I’m sure this sleaze happens more than we’re aware of. Sex scandals are like cockroaches: For every one you see, there are 10 more. Olivia Nuzzi latched onto Anthony Wiener for clout, and got engaged to a New Yorker staff writer in his 50s until cheating on him with a Parkinson’s-voiced king. I appreciate a villain. She’s a bargain-bin Elizabeth Holmes. For the accomplice to be RFK Jr. is uniquely damning of someone’s character and judgment in the same manner as posting on a porn forum with your same email and life details. It is not so much the deed as it is the specifics of how you did it or who you did it with. When you strip away all the bugs that are crawling under his skin, on his skin, or coming out of his mouth like the Prince of Darkness, RFK Jr. is just not that interesting or powerful. Even from a cynical POV, if Nuzzi was trying to sleep with him for insider information, it would be about as fruitful of an endeavor as banging a flat-earther screaming in Central Park.
These are all nasty people and they need to take a cold shower.
This is why I stopped writing a satire newsletter.
what the heck is going on with human politicians?!