I Have an Online Brand and Influence to Maintain

I would appreciate it if you idiots LISTENED to me and AGREED with my opinions!

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Hey, Bernie Bro, that was a really cool “joke,” but I noticed this post you wrote in roughly 15 seconds doesn’t align with every experience I’ve ever had, and it DEFINITELY does not affirm everything I believe in. This is extremely harmful to me. This is literal violence. Even though it is not my job to educate you, let me educate you on the most vital issues of our day: Star Wars is fascist, Harry Potter is fascist neo-feudal dreck, selfie obsession is fascist, Astrid’s (she/they) ketamine addiction is fascist, British soap operas are fascist, sci-fi is generally fascist, empaths are fascist, ironic detachment is fascist, porn is fascist, penetration under patriarchy is inherently fascist. Sorry to spoil your “fun.”

Also, I did a little quick digging into your previous 10,000 Twitter “shitposts” and if you consider what you DIDN’T say, then your ironic witticism was actually very problematic. While your “All Cats Are Beautiful” memes failed to defund the police and dismantle inherent power structures and intersectional dynamics and inherent disparities and lopsided outcomes, they did play into Republican smear attacks: There is a strong correlation between the timing of your post and the recent increase in violent crime, which I sadly don’t have time to explain why.

It is incumbent upon you to educate yourself. Fortunately, the Kamala for Vice President 2024 website has dozens of 800-page policy papers that dive into further detail about how the fixed-income child tax credit will factor into bipartisan support for expanding Pell Grants to lower-income underserved marginalized communities that have recent college graduates who want to start a Y Combinator approved tech startup that creates an app for optimizing ride-sharing routes to transport the genderqueer mixed race minority-majority community of inner city Boise into makeshift voting centers that also function as pop-up shops for limited-edition Doritos Locos Tacos flavored extra cheesy-stuffed crust Pizza Hut supreme pizza topped with extra KFC double downs.

By the way, this will be literally the most important election ever, and America is literally on the precipice of fascism, which is why the Democrats have to wait at least three more midterm cycles to do anything about partisan gerrymandering or stop the Supreme Court from making voting illegal. Of course, this is all in-the-weeds Beltway insider stuff that your overly simplistic and tribal ideological worldview wouldn’t understand or comprehend. Anyways, you have a moral duty to vote for every candidate Barack Obama endorses, or else you’re a useful idiot who is literally responsible for Vladimir Putin taking over America by installing Benito Cheetolini in the White House AGAIN. I will be literally traumatized if I have to spend another four years tweeting about how, “It’s​ Cov-fe-Fay, not Cov-fe-Fee.” We exist as bodies in spaces. As one of those bodies, you need to recognize that social constructs exist, borders are fungible, and our predetermined hierarchical spheres need to be expanded and eradicated. Racism is America’s Original Sin, and we will all need to play our part in sacrificing ourselves to fully achieve this necessary and belated reckoning.

…oh, I mean, you’re going to raise MY taxes to pay for public housing options to offset the rising cost-of-living in the neighborhood I just moved into? I don’t see how decreasing the property value of my renovated 1,500-square-foot loft will dismantle systemically racist systems of oppression. And all you incel neckbeard basement dwelleing mansplaining dickweasles say you want Medicare-for-All, but again, I don’t see how limiting consumer choice in insurance coverage will solve the problems you want to solve. What is so hard about this for y’all to understand? These👏 issues👏 are👏 complicated👏 and👏 nuanced👏 and👏 intersectional. There is no simple solution. Does the Green New Deal make any specific mention of “BIPOC?” I actually Google Searched it and I can confirm it doesn’t, becuase I still believe in FACTS and REALITY. I don’t see how any of these alleged “progressive” policies are going to solve anything. They’re unrealistic and not how adults solve problems. These are radical times and we have to be moderate. Sorry, sweaty, I’m what’s called a “pragmatic progressive who gets things done,” and according to this New York Times op-ed I just read, we need to take a step back and understand the importance of incremental change…

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