I am Very Civically Engaged

This post contains lethal doses of sarcasm if read irresponsibly.

“If we figured out clean sanitation in the developing world, we could save…”⁠

CRINGE!⁠

“There’s a lot of sweatshop labor…”⁠

BORING!

“The amount of hate crimes committed against the trans community is…”

SCUFFED VIBES!⁠

“Joe Rogan was walking around in Austin and he threw a half-eaten burrito at a Mexican guy!”⁠

“WAIT. WHAT? WHY DID HE DO THAT?? DOES HE HATE MEXICANS?? THEN WHY IS HE EATING A BURRITO?? DOES TEX-MEX FOOD STILL COUNT AS MEXICAN FOOD?? WAS HE STILL INFECTED WITH COVID? WHAT KIND OF BURRITO WAS IT?? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!!”⁠

After intense scrutiny and chiding from the editorials in the New York Times, Washington Post, CNN, and The Atlantic, the beleaguered Rogan recorded a selfie on Instagram where he drops a statement: “I didn’t mean to hurl a burrito. I was walking down the street and I may have taken some DMT and I slipped and the burrito was dislodged from my hand, and it hit this poor gentleman in the face. I have no ill-will towards him or anyone in the Mexican community—well, Marcelo Rojo, maybe—but that’s beside the point. I am deeply sorry⁠.”

Two days later, a video leaks. Apparently, Rogan didn’t slip, but hurled the burrito at the Mexican guy, knocking him in the temple. Rogan also flicked taquitos at him as he was writhing on the ground, trapped in the fetal position.⁠

“DAMN, BRO!! DID YOU SEE THAT CLIP?? IT’S SO MESSED UP!!”⁠

“Actually, did you read the PageSix article that came out today? Apparently, that wasn’t Joe Rogan. It was a gorilla that escaped from the local zoo, and it was deep faked to look like him.”⁠

“Holy shit! Is he still gonna drop podcasts on Spotify?”⁠

“I don’t know!”

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