How to dress like a male manipulator
Or, the performative book reader archetype
Men have been in a chumpy way at the moment. We struggle to pick outfits that match our physique, we somehow have never learned basic hygiene, we seek life advice from manosphere podcasters, and some of us need a Benzos-fried Kermit-the-frog-sounding professor-chud to remind us to clean our rooms. If you look at this from the perspective of wanting men to be more dateable or even just more presentable, this is annoying, but it also probably does not affect your life very much. In the broader culture, this recent vibe shift seems to incentivize a good number of us to be the most awful version of ourselves, because this appears to be the nature and future of social media. But because this sort of thing is now inextricably a part of men and dating men, there’s not much to do about a world built on flimflam and optics but figure out how we can at least be more aesthetically pleasing.
If you’re a man and you see yourself in Bojack Horseman and Scott Pilgrim and you’re actually proud of that, you might need a brand refresh if you have any aspirations of impressing an actual living and breathing female—even if it’s under false pretenses. Of course, you may not want to commit yourself to pursuing any hobby, developing a personality, sticking to a diet and/or exercise routine, undergoing any introspection, or putting in any effort towards personal improvement, because that would involve actually trying and commuting to and from work chews up a lot of time. But you can still level up your rizz and drip. Follow these steps, and you can trick some undiscerning woman into believing you’re worth dating.
STEP 0: Find an excuse to appear on Instagram wearing only underwear.
STEP 1: Put on an obscure indie band t-shirt that says, “I’m not like other guys. I’m a curator of impeccable taste.”
STEP 2: Wear whatever pants hot guys on Instagram are wearing right now. This isn’t about authenticity, it’s about optics.
STEP 3: As for shoes, there are multiple levels to this. Chelsea Boots are giving divorced dad using Hinge for the first time. Beat-up Chucks puts you at 50-50 odds that you discover your inner romantic and catch feelings. Chunky loafers with white socks will guarantee that she won’t get over you for six months even though you dated for six weeks.
STEP 4: Either a vintage leather jacket that was perfectly worn-in by someone else or a used Carhart that you bought from a thrift store for $500. Don’t think of it as stolen valor. You’re just wearing the costume of someone with an interesting life.
STEP 5: Accessories to trick women into thinking you have a soul. Silver jewelry, orange-tinted sunglasses, painted nails, a rolled-up beanie, visible tattoos that are meant to be “ironic,” a mullet-mustache combo, a tote bag from a local coffee shop, a Radiohead vinyl, and a seminal work of feminist literature that you haven’t read but you will reference to justify your shitty behavior.
Anyways, it’s time to trauma-dump your way into someone’s pants.
Stick a potato in your underwear. Helps if it’s in the front.