Earlier this summer, my girlfriend and I spent a long weekend in Squamish on a hiking trip and stayed in a private suite with a homely charm. Our host was a seemingly unassuming retired engineer. The spot was right at the foot of a famous granite cliff called Stawamus Chief, with immaculate morning mountain views, equally daunting and majestic. As we first entered the AirBnb, we noticed there was a laminated Burning Man pass from 2019 and a framed wannabe-Buddhist/psychedelic poster that espoused the mantra of fullest self-expression, and the vibe slowly unraveled from there. The bathroom was stocked with baby oil, a jar of zip-packages of clitoral-stimulating serum and G-spot stimulating serum from a brand called Intimate Earth, and a selection of condoms that ranged from glow-in-the-dark to variants of ribbed-for-her-pleasure. There was a steam shower with a full-sized bench and several detachable shower heads that were small enough to fit inside various orifices, and the bedroom was adorned with a wall of mirrors. The place was giving such strong sex dungeon/orgy den energy that we scoured the bedroom for hidden cameras.
As entertaining as that experience was, it’s still safe to say that AirBnbs have turned into kind of a scam, but hotels are also afflicted with their cringe tendencies. In my communist utopia, any place that plays dull, personality-bereft jazz/bossa nova covers of pop songs will be subjected to the state seizing all of their assets. (The only exception is the Cumbia cover of “Hotline Bling” because it is truly life-affirming.) This aesthetic is geared toward undiscerning middle-of-the-bell-curve customers to make them feel like they’re staying somewhere sophisticated. Some cafés started playing Nouvelle Vague on repeat, and everyone copied it as if they took all the wrong lessons from Filterworld. But this phenomenon is strange. The general public acknowledges that jazz is cool and classy, but whenever it’s implemented into a public setting, it has to be watered down until the resulting playlist is full of covers of Beatles songs with a little horn thrown in. Why? The music of Hank Mobley or Bill Evans isn’t crazy Merzbow esoteric—it’s very palatable.
It’s also another thing for hotels to not have balconies anymore because no owner wants a patron to jump out of a balcony at the fucking Hampton Inn in Baltimore, as if they’re like, “I’m just going to finish my continental breakfast, grab a complimentary copy of USA Today, and then leap to my death from my 5th floor room that faces the hotel dumpsters and a Perkins.” But the more pertinent dilemma is how every hotel television manages to have a different-looking homepage. You can never find the path to simply watch some TV. It’s almost like every hotel chain make it as difficult as possible, well, except for the checkout button… The process unfolds in the same way that most digital scams progress, beginning with greeting you by your government name. “Hello, Samuel” the television says. “Hello, Vizio,” I respond.
Aside from a few idiosyncratic and particular preferences, I don’t consider myself to be a picky or boujee person—if anything, when I travel, I spend as little on my lodging as possible, because I want to be in my hotel room as little as possible. I’m not a royal, so I don’t need something luxurious like an Apple TV. But would it kill Hilton to include a Roku in every room? Instead, the home screen is always a photo of a pool that is certainly not from the property that I’m currently staying in. Then it lists the business hours next to a bunch of Dollar Store-looking apps. The Sports Corner, but it actually has nothing to do with ESPN, and it’s just a bunch of clips of motocross. The TV remote always has a pristine Netflix button because no one’s ever pushed it because it’s clear that it will not work.
Basic cable shouldn’t be too much to ask for. The hotel room is the only place where we can access cable without having to visit our parents. All I really need is TNT so I can passively watch The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, which is apparently required by law to air at least once a day on that channel, and scroll on my phone. I’m a simple man. Why am I looking at something like the LG Entertainment Portal, powered by Marriott? All the monkeys and typewriters in the world couldn’t come up with that phrase, but I guess ChatGPT could.
Bring back free HBO!
They used to have tons of swag- at least the old hotels in Canada that were literally built as castles (Chateau Frontenac, Chateau Laurier, the Royal York, the Fort Garry, Chateau Lake Louise, the Empress etc.) and still stand out amongst the more cheaper and commonplace ones. The trick is to turn them into places you actually WANT to stay at...
It’s the attention economy. We must seize the means of performance.