Honestly, I Don't Give a Fuck
This post contains lethal doses of sarcasm if read irresponsibly.
Bro, I give so little fucks, I’m actually running a fucks deficit. You could even call me a fuckubus. It took me five whole minutes to combine fuck with succubus, but phonetically, it works. Anyways, I calculated a special formula to mathematically determine how little fucks I give. At a surface level, it seems simple: Fucks Deficit = Total Expenditures of Fucks − Total Fucks Given by Me. But, then, after a considerable amount of introspection, deliberation, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, heart palpitations, and binge eating pints of Haagen Dazs while watching “Bachelor in Paradise,” I have identified all of my Total Fucks. Picking up after my dog poops, texting my boo “goodnight” and double-checking if I added all “😍🥰😘” within an immediate follow-up message bubble, asking my manager if they are satisfied with my quarterly performance, calling my parents to see if they need any help with household chores, monitoring my Facebook comments for likes and clapbacks to see if I can better optimize my snark to “FUCK DONALD TRUMP” ratio, spending 45 minutes every morning to make my hair look like the perfect bedhead. Pretty standard stuff. Now adding up the Fucks Expenditure is the tricky part. It starts with me walking up to a table of strangers at brunch and filming myself flipping them off and shouting, “NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR ENGAGEMENT, BECKY.” From there, I subtract…..