Forget Zoom Meetings. I am DIALED IN.
This post contains lethal doses of sarcasm if read irresponsibly.
“How do we make this scale?” Kevin inquires because he always fucking asks this question. He definitely read Sarah Cooper’s “10 Tricks to Appear Smart During Meetings,” but unironically, because he always seems to love drawing Venn Diagrams and encouraging us to take a step back. Luckily we’re on a Zoom call, so he doesn’t plunge the rest of us into the laborious slog of watching him pace around the room and repeat every previous comment, but slower.
As he rambles on about KPIs, I receive a text from this cute goth chick I’ve been messaging on Hinge. “Imma be honest because you cute and you real,” she texts. “I'm heavily into kink. Dom/sub, ddlg, restraint, disciplinary, and rope. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea but I just am unable to participate in normal sex lol. I will slap your face.” This isn’t something I'd expect at 10:07 on a Wednesday morning, but she had my curiosity. Now she has my attention.
“What do you think, Sam?” I wasn’t anticipating a pointed question, as I'm a mere copywriter. Typically, I can passively drone through these top-of-the-day get-togethers because everything said here will be summarized in a brief that will be emailed to me exactly 15 minutes after this ends. The spotlight unexpectedly turned my way, I tremble and crack under the pressure and involuntarily blurt, “I love slapping! None of this weak ass love tapping!”
The meeting abruptly halts to an awkward silence for a grueling number of seconds before Kevin asks me to clarify.
“Uh, um, well… Based on the focus group results, the problem with the Slap Chop is people aren’t hitting it hard enough. We could release quirky tutorial videos teaching people how to properly use it. We can encourage our audience and various home cooking influencers to submit their own videos and turn them into a full-scale digital campaign. Tagline: ‘No love tap. Go full slap.’”
The call remains silent, mired in pensive deliberation. “Interesting,” Kevin muses. “Flesh this idea out and have a media plan to me by end of week.” Everyone else gently nods in agreement.
Phew. That was close. Thought all my coworkers were going to think I’m into BDSM.
“Excuse me?” Kevin asks.
Fuck. Did I say that out loud?