Dry January has not been going well.

I may have a problem...

Jan 24, 2025

You know how it is. Someone asks how you’re doing—in a casual setting, in the elevator on the way to the office after you worked your second weekend in a row and you reflexively say shitty—and in that moment you must decide just how honest an answer is appropriate, or kind, or just reasonably keeping with the intention behind the question. If it seems like I’ve been stuck for an answer this month, it’s because I truly was. There’s a lot of bad stuff happening, enough that the usual “I’m good” kind of sticks in my throat. My stocks are down, my gums are receding, it’s summer in winter, and there are microplastics in my balls. And now that I’ve been attempting Dry January, it’s made me realize how many people in my circle are low-key/functional alcoholics. This also applies to me.

Some night in December after my office holiday party, I blacked out and woke up next to a puddle of vomit. I may have told an account manager that the only job they’re qualified for is getting professionally hit by cars for a living. So I tried Dry January to get my life back on track, but I immediately realized this sucks and makes a miserable month even more boring. Dry January should include dry martinis and dry wines.

I don’t have a drinking problem because I’ve never had a problem drinking. Not really sure what’s the point of pausing my beer consumption for January when my hand keeps shaking, I’m way less fun at parties, and I have somehow gained weight this month. I’ve never finished anything in my life. There’s no need to start now.

We’re all adults here and things come up: Pub crawls, birthdays, the NFL playoffs, discovering Elon Musk is Auschwitzic, Thursdays, Mondays. I can’t stand how Thursdays and Mondays keep happening. I can’t let these events get ruined by Dry January.

Maybe I can get away with cheating if I identify as trans… transporting a dozen Guinnesses into my stomach. If I buy a six-pack, this could also be my opportunity to support a local business.

Every Friday, I used to treat myself to some substance abuse in response to the slight inconveniences that happened during the week. What the hell am I supposed to do after work now? Pray?