Corporate America has absolutely no rizz

And it's only getting worse.

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Me at a job interview: “Uses fancy language developed in the top business schools.”

And at the end of the interview: “Ask a question that mimics the formulation used by most Davos speakers.”⁠

*smug grin*

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Sometimes, I wish companies would dispense with the pretense and make every “mandatory fun” day like that brainwashing scene in A Clockwork Orange, where they strap us to a seat and peel our eyelids open while some corny corporate branding video plays, and then the CEO leans closer to your face and says, “At Raytheon, we love and accept everyone—even the people we bomb! Now eat some pizza, bitch!”

Slack is full of kudos, awards, and participation trophies of all kinds. Execs fire off emoji-laced post after post, and underlings react with emojis of their own to show their approval (never disapproval). Negative emotion of any kind is strictly prohibited. Every possible precaution must be taken to avoid even the pretense of conflict. We don’t disagree—we just have different objectives, we’re just coming at it from different angles, we just haven’t synced on it yet. But we don’t disagree.

Every new initiative is presented as some kind of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Eat. Pray. Love. soul-search where we ultimately find ourselves and our purpose in life and start nailing those new KPIs. Re-orgs aren’t concerned with efficiency or productivity but are instead about coming together as a team or aligning with our organizational values. When the layoffs come, they are fully couched in therapy-speak, and we learn about the power of resilience and supporting our former family members through their challenging times.

The vast majority of the middle managers I work with are functional idiots. Critical thinkers and problem solvers are a dying breed here. They simply don’t have what it takes—emotionally or spiritually—to sustain this level of superficiality and futility. There is a minority of leaders who actually care about their craft, and they will dutifully build their slide decks, dish out their ceremonial kudos, and attend their little meetings—but make no mistake, they are ticking time bombs and their days are numbered.

There are departments within larger corporations that have solved this problem to some degree by establishing their own parallel culture within most organizations. They will hire people based on personality fit and their ability to receive feedback, and as a result, they can maintain a clear chain of command that can sacrifice hurt feelings and unearned egos for some degree of dynamism. However, when these leaders have to interact with the broader organization, they must conform, and it feels shameful to watch them mimic the soft, affected, overly positive stylings of their peers. It’s not uncommon for them to make a faux pas and say something that may be deemed problematic if uttered by a certain type of person, but they are always given a pass because it’s understood that they are doing their best and will probably never fully get it anyway.

There isn’t a single ounce of mojo left in corporate America. Leaning into their feigned concern for #girlboss feminism, diversity, and inclusion was an attempt to put a smiley face on their ravenous and sociopathic profit imperative. Instead, we created a monoculture of insufferable and obsequious losers who have no skills outside of navigating this glorified adult daycare.

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