I have exactly 137 Twitter followers and they come to me for THE TRUTH. I dug into Gwyneth Paltrow’s posting history and I noticed that on the day of November 3, 2012, and at exactly 10:55 AM, she tweeted, “I absolutely ADORE Shakira.” Listen, I’m just out here trying to support girl bosses, so naturally, I asked myself, “Why isn’t Gwenyth giving Beyonce a shout-out?” Is she intimidated by the upward mobility of Black women? Are her internal biases becoming more overt? This tweet is literal violence—like, literally, it is basically 9/11 and slavery and Netflix not allowing me to use my parent’s account.
Naturally, I tried to cancel her by starting an online petition, but it only received 17 signatures. Apparently, people don’t bother to do their research and educate themselves on these important matters. Well, I like to think of myself as the Nelson Mandela of discourse policing, so I took matters into my own hands and decided to get the government involved.
Do you know how many people at the NSA I know? Well, zero. Do you know how many people at the NSA I could complain to? AT LEAST ONE!
Gwyneth, you may have won your lawsuit, but brace yourself for the wrath of a thousand shadowbans!