All bets are off on Black Friday.
Don't fuck with me or my savings.
“How was your Black Friday?”
Person 1: “I beat the shit out of a fifth grader. Best money I’ve made in my life.”
Person 2: “I saw a kid in a wheelchair getting the absolute shit beat out of her. It was a complete bloodbath.”
Person 3: “Honestly, my Black Friday was terrible. My fifth-grade sister in a wheelchair got her ass beat by some total asshole. She has bone cancer and was trying to get to her chemotherapy.”
I did what I had to do to survive and thrive this Black Friday. I may have resorted to taking a crowbar to some innocent child’s jaw, but she was flashing a few bills and I didn’t have time to withdraw $500 from the ATM. The local mall is a Walking Dead-style horde of atavistic monsters trying to claim deals that are rightfully mine. I don’t shop on Amazon, because that’s some liberal Big Tech nanny-state bullshit. I fight for what I deserve. Online shopping could never replace the joy of the transient smell of sprinting by a Cinnabon. When I’m done shopping, I scarf down some food court hot dogs and fart when I’m done—you know, live a little.
I stand before a 56” 4K Smart TV, the last one on the shelf. Getting here involved some pepper spray, a healthy stiff arm, possibly telling some people I tested HIV+ and threatening to spit in their mouth. I revel in my bounty, grabbing the price tag to bask in my savings and… 70% OFF?? I fume to myself, THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE 80%!! The supply chain is out of whack, but how can this affect Black Friday sales? Is nothing sacred?
“FUCK JOE BIDEN!!” I scream.
“Hey asshole,” a mother nearby snides. “You mind not swearing in front of my fucking daughter? This is supposed to be a family event.”
“LET’S GO BRANDON!”
“Much better,” the mother replies with a wholesome grin. “Abby, take out his knee, I’ll grab the TV.”
I received about 100 emails for Black Friday deals. I boycott yearly into the next week so no 60 inch tv for me. It’s really not worth it to leave the house for any reason, so I don’t. I read in bed, napped, cleaned up... that’s it. Somewhere, someone was indeed experiencing this exact scenario, I’m sure. If you can imagine it, it’s happening or has happened.
Great skit, you included my name!