Asserting ALPHA DOMINANCE at my job

Corporate America hates me for this one weird trick.

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Whenever a colleague emails me a request to finish an assignment, I report it to IT as a phishing attempt. Including words like URGENT or TIME SENSITIVE in the subject line triggers my suspicion since all these emails contain embedded links to this obvious troll site called “Microsoft Sharepoint.”

If these emails are legit, I’m sure I’ll receive a phone call. I will checkmate my direct report when I respond with, “I was just being cautious to protect the company.”

*cracks open a Monday morning WFH Tecate*

Also hate it when people from work send me Slack messages to remind me that I haven’t done anything for three weeks and will be fired if I don’t attend meetings.

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*in-office every Tuesday, now in my villain era*

Go to work.

Pour water on all the toilet paper rolls.

Leave.

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