AI Is For the Founders, the Trailblazers, the Visionaries, the Job Creators

This post contains lethal doses of sarcasm if read irresponsibly.

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I think of myself as an investor, a philosopher, a director, a life coach.

But most of all, I’m a founder.

I have an arbitrage-obsessed approach to management and I deploy market-savvy words like “flexibility” and “sustainability” to describe my mission. My company is multi-faceted and on the bleeding edge of innovation.

My portfolio of ventures includes:

1. A car-finder app where you type in the area of the parking lot you’re in.

2. A meme generator for high-end pornography.

3. A start-up that takes the tattooed skin of the recently deceased and reupholsters it into a lampshade.

4. A dating app that digitizes social interactions by tracking who else at your networking event is interested in grabbing drinks afterward.

5. A zoo for fish—trust me, it’s more than just an aquarium.

6. A restaurant where someone will prepare you a bowl of cereal for only $5.

7. A Netflix but for books.

8. A home heating system powered by crypto-mining computers.

9. An experimental pharma pop-up that feeds acid to kids with autism.

10. A company that rents cars from Enterprise and sub-leases them on the Turo app.

11. A neo-bank that offers a subscription service for quarters to do your laundry.

12. A Microsoft Word for women. And, in order to access spell check, you have to pass the Bechdel Test.

But with a combination of reverence and ambition, I am deploying my team of weaponized quants to utilize the fullest potential of AI.

AI already allows me to deftly work the angles and analyze data, but now I can stay undeniably ahead of the curve by leveraging AI to turn my thoughts into reality without having to develop any tangible artistic skills. As a content creator—and more importantly, a storyteller—AI has boosted my storytelling, and more importantly, my content creation.

AI is an extension of my brain. If it doesn’t know the answer to a question, it makes something up. This is agile thinking. Increased bandwidth. Synergistic pivoting. Aligning on a vision. Putting a pin in something, then circling back to a solution.

At my very core, I’m a creative and AI lets everyone see that. I’m not a graphic designer, but I am a targeted troubleshooter and a finesse problem-solver, so I usually tell a graphic designer what to do. Now, I can use this machine-tooled efficiency to cut out the middleman that muddies my brilliant thoughts. I don’t have to sweat over what I call “the other stuff.”

Sometimes, previous employees have described me as “unforgivably dickish,” which is why it’s so great that AI never gets its feelings hurt. I can act like a vengeful demigod and abuse ChatGPT as much as I want without it ever being reported as harassment, or what the woke social justice crusaders call “a hostile work environment.” HR reprimands me when I say the perfect woman has 14 fingers. AI loves this brilliant observation, and instantaneously makes it a reality. There is no way any of this behavior will have repercussions 20-40 years into the future.

AI is a world where we know for sure what it would look like if Jesus took a selfie at the Last Supper, if Michelangelo painted a mural of Hunter Biden’s nudes, if Monke appeared on the cover of Abbey Road.

This is human creativity unleashed.

Why use artists with the ability to draw from their own personal experience and create unique expressions of human conflict and subjectivity when ChatGPT can presumably make the next Avengers for $40 a year? These so-called creative types should refund their MFAs and learn to code because this is the future. It’s called Mamba Mentality. It’s called Hustle. It’s called Grit. It’s called inheriting your dad’s Silicon Valley start-up.

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