A Dozen Inappropriate Photo Captions
Some dark humor for y'all. Please do not cancel me.
It’s a risk that bloggers, and even shitposters, take every day. A bit that starts has a harmless spoof/goof, or just tossed-off snark that was acceptably amusing to fill some fleeting moment, can grow and distort if fed, or if found by some irony-deaf internet hall monitor. I have made a joke to my girlfriend that involves having to be taken to the hospital after a pigeon flew directly into my open mouth. It is not my best work, but it has led to me keeping my mouth scrupulously closed around pigeons ever since. But somewhere out in the digital ether, is a humorless choad who would choose to interpret this piece of nonchalant absurdity as affirmative support for animal abuse.
This is really more of a me problem, honestly, but many bloggers and posters face a less abstract version of this, as half-baked punchlines and out-of-context blurts approach a queasy apotheosis. The joke is Godwin’s law or the janky appeal of spending day after miserable day on Twitter pointing at what’s problematic. Anyways, I’m not sure where I’m going with this, other than the reflexive urge to preface any dark joke with the disclaimer of, I swear, I’m actually not a BAD person, to appease a caricature of a wokescold or some frothing internet mob coming after any attempt at humor.
I’m off to ride airboats with gators in Orlando for the week, so please enjoy some random photo captions handpicked from my Instagram days that I wasn’t sure were appropriate for Substack Notes. See you in the New Year.
Smoking bong resin out of a tin can … will give you Alzheimer’s—which is like being high, except you’ll never remember where you left your car keys.
“I’m socially liberal, but fiscally conservative. I don’t want a gay homeless person to die because he’s gay… I want him to die because he’s homeless.”
You don’t see too many people criticizing infants with Down syndrome. Really makes you think… 🤔🤔🤔
“No, honey, I didn’t let Fred from HR raw-dog me and cum in my bussy. I have a rare medical condition, look it up! That’s why there’s cum dripping from my asshole. Now go fetch me a sandwich!”
Meet the man who farts on his own boner every day.
Someone will find this article in 500 years and use it as a “look how much more advanced we are than our ancestors” shitpost.
*McFlurry machines rage in jealousy*
I did this to a friend once. He’s no longer alive. Not because of this, though, but don’t ask me about the details. They’re irrelevant.
Pope John Paul holding up his fingers to indicate how many children he wants.
After my girlfriend’s dog died, I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one to remind her of ol’ Buttercup. Instead, I made her more upset.
She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
Sorry sweaty, as a 35-year-old who identifies as a Hufflepuff, I would like to translate this into a Hogwarts spell:
“Fetus Deletus”
Say what you want about middle-aged perverts who hang out at playgrounds, but they are saving a bunch of cash.
“Good one, mom. I saw you kissed dad on the lips half an hour ago and couldn’t help but think how he ate my ass this morning. Have fun with poopy breath. ASSMOUTH.”
When you need a Plan B pill but you realize it’s 1959. And then you remember that’s what traveling sales jobs are for.
According to the strict constitutionalist interpretation of the Bill of Rights, tobacco and AR-15 rights begin at conception and conception begins the first time a man holds hands with a woman.
Yes, I spike my baby’s formula with Mountain Dew.
Yes, my wife’s womb is sponsored by Marlboro.
Yes, she chain-smoked while she was pregnant just to prove the fetus is a living, breathing human.
I severely doubt boiling would be the best way to prepare a human. If lobsters really wanted to get revenge on us, they’d stick the baby in a rotisserie oven to see if they also scream while being cooked.
Yikes.
Yes! "irony-deaf internet hall monitors" I support your right to be weird and sometimes not funny but mostly funny. Plus it's the only way to determine who you want to be friends with.